It's so hard to swallow those words you want to scream at somebody loud enough to shatter glass, isn't it? I did relatively well with that this morning, but the encounter still left me feeling hurt, angry and resentful. Ugh...hate that. I *know* it's better to be tolerant and calm and understanding, but we get tired of that after oh, a decade or so.
I bet you know that struggle with the step-challenges in your life, the struggle between behaving in a kind and mature manner and behaving like the attacked victim you feel. It's tough. Those step-people we live with or around can push us to the limit and make us feel trapped and burdened by the, shall we say...opportunity to make a good choice. I came across an article this morning that might help you through your next encounter with one of those lovely folks you can't ignore -- those 'enemies' among us: it's here.
Ms. Kirk's words helped me, and I was only aggravated with my husband. I'll let you know how well I successfully tap into my "freedom" the next time I'm having a bigger step-crisis! Good luck.
Many blessings,
Karon
Monday, August 13, 2007
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5 comments:
Your title to this blog caught my attention right away, because it's exactly how I feel inside today. Can I just be honest and say that I HATE myself?! I feel like ranting and raving right now about not wanting to be a stepmom. I am constantly warring with my flesh and doing what Paul says in Romans about not doing what you know you should and doing what you know you shouldn't. My problem has never been with my stepdaughter - she's sweet, kind, loving, accepting, affectionate - basically the perfect stepdaughter. My problem has ALWAYS been with myself. I just don't want her around. I want my husband and our son and our home and family and everything else without her. If you had a bow and arrows I'd probably ask you to shoot me in the eye! So, in agreement, I say: "AAAARRRGGGHHH!"
AGGGH accurately sums up my level of frustration with my stepdaughter right now. She is 14 and I have been in her life since she was three. I have been good enought to get her through the chicken pox, make birthday cakes, design and create every single Halloween and play costumes she ever needed, but now I am nothing. She has gone to live with her mother in Texas (who can do NO WRONG even though she is a complete psychotic control freak - it's a long long tale of bizarre behavior through the years...just ask my stepson who has finally seen through the garbage and smokescreen she surrounds herself with) solely because her dad was involuntarily activated into military service. SO, he is in Iraq, stepdaughter is in Texas enjoying every minute of being the "only" child (stepson is at basic training then will be up here with me) and lapping up the undivided attention of her "mama." I am SO TIRED of being taken for granted - when psycho mom kicks her out of the house for no reason, as she did to stepson (really, at age 18 he wanted a curfew later than 11pm and this kid has never been in any trouble!) I know she'll come crying to me. The question is - can I hang in there emotionally to be there. I just don't know. I am sick to death at the the changeable guardian ad litem, the courts, the mom and her kowtowing new husband, and the stepdaughter for her seeming unconcern about anything. I just want to be done, I want to get over caring about stepdaughter so it quits hurting me so badly. When does life get to be "fair" for a stepparent that devoted herself to her stepkids and gets crapped on in return by one of them?
the frustration I feel this a.m with my s-d and husband. How do you let go of trying/caring? dad parents out of guilt.it has been 31/2yrs now and he says she has right to be jealous but it is more than that she does not know the word "NO"; and it resorted to her hitting me last week and then caught smoking at neighbors!! And no one did anything except "talk" to her. She is a 9 yr old with alot of control in both our home and mom. I have put my foot down this week and I feel guilty, I told my husband she was not allowed in our home. Her actions in front of my 6 yrs. twins is not acceptable. and the no respect to anyone. She has issues and the parents just dont want to deal with at all.Mom just manipulates and lies to her with everything, and blames me. She can be very loving kind when she knows something "fun" will be happening in our home. And then afterwards I am "smushed" like a bug..I hate myself for the feelings I have of wanting to give up...I have given her b-day parties, clothes shopping,camps,gym, vacations and still I am the bad one..I have tried every tatic I know possible..I blame dad and mom- even step-dad said they needed to step up to the discpline; when they can't stick to "no" they send her to the "steps" to enforce-- Not Fair!! So i agree this a.m. AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Ladies, if it helps, I hear from other stepmoms with similar issues all the time. It can certainly seem like there is no "fair" on the stepmom front. Mom manipulates, dad defends and the kids kick you when you're down. Fortunately, as the three of you have shown, stepmoms find a way to work around the unfairness they face, save themselves and defend their homes.
Stasi78, you’ve admitted your true feelings. That’s a great start. Instead of trying to fight those feelings, accept them and learn how to deal with them. Nothing’s perfect, so look at the times with your stepdaughter as some of the imperfection in an otherwise pretty good situation. Focus on all the “everything else” you have and little by little, try to *invite* her into that – I know she’s already a part, but try to make it *your idea,* a choice you make on your own to include her. And don’t expect your feelings to change right away, but you might surprise yourself! And yes, keep praying always. God will help you with this.
Wincredulous, yes, you can hang in there emotionally to deal with your stepdaughter if she comes crying to you again. You know how? By doing it on your terms. Accept what you can and reject the rest. She’s old enough to adapt to *you* drawing the lines. Try it. Give yourself permission to regain control of your home and enjoy the peace that comes with it.
Twingles, you’ve got your situation – and many other stepmoms’ – figured out: dad parents out of guilt, mom doesn’t parent at all, and the kids use it to their advantage. Good for you for standing up for your home, your kids and your sanity. Please don’t feel guilty – it takes great courage to do what you’ve done, and you have to look at the long-term health of your family. Making tough decisions now – like not allowing unacceptable behavior even when it doesn’t make you popular – will reward you in the future. And no, it’s never fair, but it’s sometimes steplife and all we can do is prioritize the problems. An unruly, vindictive, out of control child demands immediate attention. Hang in there, you’re on the right track.
Thanks for being here, ladies. I wish you all the very best. You have much company in cyberspace!
Many blessings,
Karon
The sentiment must be in the water today. As a sm of two, the younger one 18, and mother of two others 14 and 11, its a hard road. I am the only mom 18 year old has had for 5 years, his mom walked long ago from his life. As a teacher who worked with emotionally disturbed children I was used to not nice behaviors, however what I wasn't prepared for was the level of passive aggressive hostility I would receive for choosing to love them. It seems that if your own mom won't love you in healthy ways, it is very hard to accept that a complete stranger who becomes your sm will.....and the tests to see how real or how long it will last go on for years....with much emotional blugeoning every step of the way. Its easy to want it to stop to simply want them gone, or out, but truthfully we do care about these children, even as they are ugly to us and despite the pain they cause and the irritations that create, you know you ARE the only one who has the opportunity to show them genuine care and support....and restoration when the others drop the ball. Its a hard thing but worthwhile....but oh so hard.
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