The Stepparenting Journey, September, 2007

Guilt is a Cattle Prod

Stepmoms have many things in common: fear, insecurity, doubt, gray hair, wrinkles, nervous stomachs, a head that amazingly stays in tact instead of exploded despite our stifled screams. Been there? Yes, stepmothering can be a unique joy, but there are also times when it brings us another universal feeling -- guilt.

Why is this role so heavy? Why are our feelings so complicated, holding us tolerant and relatively sane one moment and rocking us on the floor in pangs of guilt the next? I don't know all the reasons, but I believe much of it stems from our over-developed sense of duty and our highly-developed urge to make things better.

We do our best for our stepkids, with or without their awareness or appreciation, with or without their mom's approval or assistance, with or without their dad's understanding or acknowledgement. We do our best, but we get tired, we get hurt, and we feel that nomadic desire to run away, to be free of it all, to be without them. It's a feeling with a high price tag.

Sometimes we feel guilty when we're happy about any reprieve from the pressure to be so great, when our stepkids aren't a fixture in our homes and we like it, when we can pretend even for a moment that they don't impose on our lives. We do our best, and despite any success or genuine caring, we feel guilty when all we want to be is a wife instead of a "second wife," when we want what we have but just not all of it. That guilt is perhaps a stepmom's cross to bear, but instead of a yoke too heavy to carry, perhaps we can look at it as a cattle prod to make our lives better.

Guilt is a feeling we can't deny, and we shouldn't. It's understandable to feel the way we do because sometimes real situations in our lives have led to us feel the way we do. So instead of beating ourselves up because of how we feel, let's look at the situations that come first. Maybe if we can see them in a different light or understand them better, we can prevent the guilt from overpowering us to begin with. It's worth a shot.

A stepmom wrote about this feeling a few days ago here, and I'm sure you'll appreciate her honest and sincere post. She's trying to learn from her situation, and I hope these few tips here will help us learn from ours, too, whenever we're fighting the Guilt Monster of Stepmother Land, because she's one tough cookie.

1. Perfection is highly over-rated. Sometimes we feel guilty because the world we live in [or those step-people in our world] make us think we have to be perfect, to make this second life perfect, to do everything right because of all we've done wrong. No. When you feel yourself in one of those situations that "demands" perfection, give yourself permission to be, oh, I don't know, human.

Don't over-analyze your performance or critique your every move. Strive for better than last time, and allow yourself to accept that. Being a "good stepmom" isn't about being perfect or spending every waking moment trying to make your stepkids' lives better. It's about coming into their lives as the unique person you are to love them and support them -- and perhaps because of the mess steplife can get to in a heartbeat, teach them how to overcome failures and disappointments with an attitude of integrity and the willingness to learn from your mistakes. We model best by looking forward, not by looking infallible.

2. Meltdowns happen for a reason. Maybe your guilt is trying to tell you something, that you're overloaded, near a breaking point, worn out. Maybe you need a time-out. Nobody can be "on" all the time. Nobody can hold up the world day after day, and sometimes that's what we feel like we're doing.

Then when we stumble, we don't look at the debris in front of us but instead at the delicate balance that might shift if we tilt too far one way. But the world won't end if we back off for a second, if we avoid some difficult situations, if we take a moment to breathe by ourselves. Sometimes we just ask too much of ourselves, and then if we trip, the guilt falls on top of us. Ask for less, at least some of the time.

3. Not everybody can sing. I wish I could sing, but I can't. I can't cook either. Or speak another language. Or understand a computer's fickle personality. I could go on, but you get the point. We can't be good at everything. And that's ok. But we're all good at something. Learn where you shine as a stepmom and put as much of your energy there as you can.

Sure, we have to do the things we're not so great at, too, but we can do them the best we can and move on, finding security and validation in the things we do do very well. We can learn to look at the "singing" as just part of the role and accept our limitations there. We can learn to see the guilt-producing "I'm not in love with my stepkids" feeling coming and prepare for it. It doesn't make us any less responsible, any less diligent about their care, any less of their stepmom, but it makes us appreciate more the days we just "love them to pieces" as my grandmother says. Don't worry about the singing, just hum and move on.

Guilt is powerful. Let it teach you something useful, let it guide you with a better approach to difficult times. Don't kick yourself when you're down, just look around for the biggest block of stepmom wisdom you can find and climb up on it. You're one tough cookie, too.