I was reminded again recently of how we are really responsible for the way others treat us and how they make us feel. Sure, folks get mad or insecure now and then and lash out through no fault of anyone else – that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the pervasive, ongoing hurtful and mean behavior of someone in our lives, behavior that sucks all the energy out of us and leaves us sad. And when this behavior comes from someone we can’t get away from, we have to find a way to cope.
Maybe you have someone like that in your life. Maybe it’s your stepkids’ mom or grandparent. Maybe it’s your own mom. Maybe it’s your stepson or stepdaughter. Regardless of the relationship, a few constants remain.
The behavior is probably not about you. Some people are just overly opinionated, critical and judgmental, and you might be an easy target. For whatever reason, the person may believe she has a right to voice her opinions about your life. Chances are, she imposes herself and her views into other people’s lives, too.
Minimize the opportunities. If it’s your stepkids’ mom who’s beating you up {figuratively speaking}, re-evaluate the boundaries you have with her. Have you become too familiar, to the point that she’s taking advantage of the relationship to subtlety criticize you? Have you divulged too many details about your life or let your guard down too far? If her words are hurting you, look for ways to limit your interaction and when you do interact, limit your information so that she has less to comment on.
Invoke your right to remain silent. Just because the hurtful person in your life asks (demands) answers from you, that doesn’t mean you have to respond. Probably no answer you can give will satisfy her anyway, and constantly trying to defend yourself and your choices is exhausting. Eventually, if you begin to practically not respond to her complaints, she’ll have to give up on that topic and move on to something else.
Try to shift the focus. If your disagreeable person in your life is your stepchild, try to shift the focus of your time together and conversations to something pleasant. I know that sounds hard if you’re dealing with a rebellious, disrespectful teen, for example. But we can try. We can squelch a damaging conversation with a reminder of a happier memory. We can find common ground that won’t promote judgmental words or hurtful exchanges. If you have even a tiny slice of a happy past to draw on, you have great hope for repairing the damage.
Accept your limitations. You can’t change the other person – we know that fact well. We can’t “behave” well enough to make the caustic person in our lives speak only with uplifting and encouraging words. We can’t fix whatever is wrong in that person’s life to make her not so judgmental and cruel. We can model better behavior for her, but we can’t make her adopt it for herself. We don’t want to become the critical person ourselves.
Accept your responsibility. You can live in joy and peace despite the person in your life who tries to drain it all out of you. It’s hard to shake off critical words, hard to have to think about the unpleasant exchanges in your life with people who will always be in your life. But we’re back to our beginning – it’s our responsibility to ourselves to decide how we’ll be treated. There are too many pleasant and encouraging people in this world to interact with to allow our time and energy to be hijacked by those who aren’t. It’s up to us to make that choice.
*Make it a goal* Something we all want to do is avoid the "energy drain" that facing the people who are critical and hurtful causes us. We can't be our best when we're distracted and exhausted from dealing with mean and cruel behavior. And a step we can take today is to perhaps make it a goal to "dislodge depressing thoughts from our minds." That sounds vague, but you can make it specific to your situation. Setting a wanted and needed change as a goal makes it a little easier to grasp and reach. For more on goals, see Chapter 3 of
"The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life".
5 comments:
I can't believe the timing on this one. I just this morning realized the critical thing I need to do in the case of my ten-year-old step-daughter's mom is ACCEPT.
I have been trying to change her behavior, control the outcomes for three years. Nothing my husband does is good enough or right and she fights everything he tries to do regarding their child. He has a complex Court order outlining his rights and she refuses to follow it when it doesn't suit her, always with some claim about his lack of father ability in not knowing how her way is best for their daughter.
Currently her issue is the drop off time (set in the court document). She wants it earlier so she doesn't have to drive in the dark (they live out of the city). Never mind she drives in the dark (an hour late) to drop her off on Friday b/c she took the daughter to dinner on his night. This is just the latest issue. There is always something and it NEVER has ended.
Our choices are to fight back, give in (and not see the daughter or set a precedent of seeing her less) or document her behavior with the idea of going back to court if necessary. My husband won't give up being in his daughter's life as much as possible, and so we vascilate between option 1 and 3.
All of this has such a strain on me. I don't understand her behavior. I've tried to predict it, control it, outthink it, prevent it, you name it. I've prayed so much about it, and no miracle has yet occurred. It would be frustrating except when we do get the daughter, we have great family time together and I know that means something.
Finally today, it hit me that I try and control it and have not accepted it. It bothers me that someone gets away with so much unjust behavior, and that someone I don't admire or respect influences my life, and my marriage. But acceptance is key. Because then I can move on and enjoy my life. Then the ex' behavior is not retold in detail but "there she goes again, it's just her way." What freedom that would be for me!
Anyway, I read this blog often and so many of you out there seem to be better at "acceptance" than I. I think it's hard. I think this position of step mother is hard. And though I know what I should focus on is my husband, my pregancy (yeah!), and my step-daughter when we see her, I end up obsessing about what nightmare the ex will bestow next.
To end on a good note, I actually brought a love of reading to my step-daughter. When she was with us for the summer, I took her book shopping and one of the series I bought her she has ended up loving! She refused to read for pleasure before and has now told me she can't wait to get home and read these books. I have purchased the next book of the series that has just been published.
Acceptance, acceptance of what the ex is and what we DO have with the child and my man.
Sorry for the long blog, but it felt good.
I feel so isolated at times, and feel like I'm the only person around living in a blended family. I envy the intact, original families that I see around me everywhere, and always imagine that they are picture-perfect. Silly, since I once had my own "picture-perfect" family that ended to everyone's shock. I wish I could love my stepchildren instead of just tolerating them, as I do the majority of the time. I've been married for almost 3 years and we have 6 children between us. My husband's children are so different from mine and I struggle with noticing their strengths instead of just their weaknesses. We've had years of court battles and financial strain but I feel like I'm come to terms with the injustice that exits in that realm. It's the realm of the heart that I continue to struggle with day by day. The Christian community can be a lonely place for stepfamilies, and for stepmothers in particular.
I recently reconciled with my husband and are in the process of bringing our step-family back together. For 3 years, my teenage stepson has been the hardest person for me to 'accept'. He blames me for all his problems. I know this is not true and after I gave these problems to God - and redifined my expectations - I feel totally free.
The lies he spins and the manipulation he brings will not come between me and my husband again. In accepting him, and not trying to change him, my husband will see his son for his true self. I can remove myself from the responsibility of this child and just focus on the positive parts. I will let God deal with all of it.
What Yazzie said is true in the Orthodox Jewish community as well; I am glad that blended and stepfamilies are not more pervasive, but it is soo isolating at times.
I am dealing with new poisoning techniques, and "confiding" lies to my stepson which leads him to be angry at us, at the situation, and the awful damage it does to him eats me up and makes me angry. I no longer have any contact with his mom in any way that she can really hurt me. But the pain she causes him in order to hurt us is nothing short of child abuse, and makes me filled with much more negativity than anyone ever should be.
Thanks to you all for being out there...
Ladies, forgive my intrusion. I stumbled upon this blog while researching my own new blog on blended/step families.
All I can say is, "Ditto for step-dads".
I left my first marriage because I didn't want to be the caretaker for a non-compliant schizophrenic anymore after nearly 23 years.
From the frying pan into the fire! Those previous 23 years were just a warm-up for the craziness and insanity dealing with my two step-daughters' dads (yes, they each have a different one).
And to think I chose this! Makes ME look like the crazy one, doesn't it?
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