Is it the moon, the stars, the water, what? I’m hearing a recurring lament lately among the stepmoms in our cyber world – distress over their stepkids’ mom. I know it’s a perennial sore spot, but the stepmoms seem particularly wounded now, and as much as I wish I did, I don’t have any magic words to make things better.
Stepmoms are talking about mom dumping her problems and lies on the kids, interfering in the stepmom’s relationship with the stepkids, and insinuating herself in her ex-husband’s life to manipulate and control him and – by extension – stepmom and their life together. Makes me want to gag.
And while no formula exists to help in all cases, we have to hang on to those fundamental coping strategies we’ve come to know and love so well. In a particularly hard time, it may mean working a bit harder, but we can do it, because we have our sights set on what matters most: the family we’re growing now. Our best responses may just need a little extra help.
The alternate response. Anger is common and understandable among stepmoms, especially when the kids are the target and recipient of mom’s hurtful behavior. One stepmom wrote to tell me that she tries to turn her anger and hate into pity, but it’s hard. Yes, it’s very hard, but we do our best.
It might help if we can understand that the reason mom acts out in hurtful ways is often because she’s not in a happy, healthy place in her life – so she takes her dissatisfaction and disappointment out on those most vulnerable. Selfishly, she doesn’t want to be in pain alone. It’s a warped way to look at life, especially when you hurt your own children, but it’s one we have to deal with. Seeing her as a pitiful, hurting, wanting, unfulfilled, empty human being can at least shove a little of the anger out of the way and help you even wish for her a happier life. I know that’s a hard corner to turn, but for our own sanity and peace of mind, it’s often best.
The not-totally-true response. It breaks my heart when a stepmom writes to me that she’s “constantly torn between being honest with the kids and shielding them from mom’s craziness and bad habits.” Amen. We sometimes want the whole world to know what kind of person mom really is, don’t we? We need to mind our manners and not say anything if we can’t say anything nice, but that torn-in-two feeling is one we know well.
We have to remember that we don’t know everything about any situation, as much as we may believe we do. And I know it’s tough not to tell the “whole truth” about mom to the kids, as I’ve told stepmoms before, but I do believe we can be better parents when we set an example of integrity in our own lives and strive to rise above all the chaos others create. Also, we feel better when we focus on the positive things we’re doing instead of the negative things others are doing.
Perhaps the hardest part of this scenario is what one stepmom describes as having to start all over again with her stepkids after a particularly toxic encounter with mom. No, it’s not fair to have to keep “re-doing” the positive things with your stepkids because of the garbage their mom feeds them, and it makes your job harder, but guess what? It’s also one of those facts of steplife we have to deal with sometimes, and that’s when we have to put our trust in our stepkids, in the truth, and in ourselves to keep going when it’s especially hard – because we trust better days are coming.
The backbone response. One of the most irritating ways mom can interfere with your life is to manipulate and intimidate your husband. You know the drill – when he says he has to keep her content so she won’t interfere with his time with the kids or he has to “play nice” to keep her happy. No, he doesn’t. He’s an adult and he needs to start acting like one and help you deal with the assault on your family.
One stepmom who wrote to me was being excluded from important meetings about the kids, and she could see right through mom’s attacks, but her husband was blind to it all. If you have a similarly handicapped husband, consider my response to her: “Mom isn’t interested in taking care of the kids but in being the center of attention, specifically your husband’s attention. He needs to grow a backbone and realize that he doesn’t have to bow down to her on every occasion – and he needs to see what a strain he’s putting on you and your marriage when he does that. Keep trying to get your husband to see that, to sound like a teenager, ‘she’s not the boss of him’ and he needs to separate taking care of his kids from being a doormat for her.” I know that’s harsh, but your family can’t grow happy and healthy as long as your husband is more concerned about someone else.
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Your stepkids’ mom won’t always be a delicate issue in your life, but depending on the ages and other factors of your stepkids, she could be for quite a while. Learning and then practicing as many defense mechanisms as you can will help you keep your focus on your family inside your home and with great energy put your love, encouragement, stability and inspiration there.
Even though mom is outside your home, her behaviors can make her seem like she’s living under your skin. Do everything you can to minimize that feeling while you work toward – and I know this is a situation some of you never see happening – a mutually respectful and cooperative relationship with mom. It may take years, probably will, but that too remains a goal and becomes a coping strategy all its own. I wish you strength and happiness now and best wishes for reaching that goal later.
*PS* *PS* *PS*
Our blog tour for Stepping Stones for Stepmoms begins Tuesday, Nov. 13. Please join us! Here’s the schedule:
- Step by Step -- Tuesday, November 13
- Stepmom Land -- Thursday, November 15
- Step-family Talk --Tuesday, November 27
- Stepmother's Milk -- Thursday, November 29
- Smart Stepfamilies -- Tuesday, December 4
- Simplicity in the Suburbs --Thursday, December 6
- The Stepfamily Life -- Tuesday, December 11
- A Stepmom’s Say -- Thursday, December 13
1 comments:
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!
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