It's so hard to swallow those words you want to scream at somebody loud enough to shatter glass, isn't it? I did relatively well with that this morning, but the encounter still left me feeling hurt, angry and resentful. Ugh...hate that. I *know* it's better to be tolerant and calm and understanding, but we get tired of that after oh, a decade or so.
I bet you know that struggle with the step-challenges in your life, the struggle between behaving in a kind and mature manner and behaving like the attacked victim you feel. It's tough. Those step-people we live with or around can push us to the limit and make us feel trapped and burdened by the, shall we say...opportunity to make a good choice. I came across an article this morning that might help you through your next encounter with one of those lovely folks you can't ignore -- those 'enemies' among us: it's here.
Ms. Kirk's words helped me, and I was only aggravated with my husband. I'll let you know how well I successfully tap into my "freedom" the next time I'm having a bigger step-crisis! Good luck.
Many blessings,
Karon
Monday, August 13, 2007
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Continuing the journey...
I've been at this stepparenting thing a while now, so you'd think I'd be good at it. Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no. I don't think we ever completely conquer the beast that is steplife, but we usually learn a few things along the way. And the benefit of a few years does allow me -- and you, if you're a veteran at this -- to look at newer stepmoms and see our younger selves in them and their circumstances. And it's a great honor and blessing to be able to help, even just a little, even if we just offer knowing support and understanding.
And on that note, I've decided to change things up a bit here. We're still going to have our monthly newsletter, but I've moved it here to this blog, so that those of us who are experienced and able to help can do so and those of us who need help can benefit from the collected wisdom of the stepmoms who've been there, done that and have some sage advice to share.
One reason for this change is because I hear from so many stepmoms with basically the same problem -- in a nutshell: feeling overwhelmed, confused, scared, insecure and most importantly, ALONE. Stepmothering can be a very lonely prospect, and even a cyberspace touch can help, especially from someone who understands.
One stepmom who wrote to me recently was struggling in her new marriage, trying to get along with her stepdaughter and feeling responsible for everything that was going wrong. I told her that she articulated beautifully how so many new (and sometimes not so new) stepmoms feel. It’s a role full of surprises, fears, doubts, and worries about things you could have never imagined. It’s feeling completely out of control and inadequate, sometimes hating your life and often wondering how things could have spiraled downward so quickly. Joy and peace are a distant memory. Not an easy road for the faint of heart :-)
I told her how it's practically impossible to be fully prepared for the trials of steplife, that we feel like we should have known better, that we should have better responses for everything that comes at us, but I’ve learned that sometimes we just have to learn as we go. Steplife is like being dropped naked onto a cold planet with spotty oxygen – just trying to survive takes all your time and energy. Trying to do it well feels impossible.
I wrote these words to her that can really apply to any of us who walks the stepwalk:
"Please remember that what’s happening isn’t your fault – it’s the world of steplife and it is what it is – stressful and full of gremlins just waiting to attack you and pull you down. Try to just focus on a few broad strokes: tell the truth, forgive and ask forgiveness when you mess up, keep your integrity even when others lose theirs, learn from your mistakes, and remember that you get the chance to try again tomorrow. Do keep your hope for the future you and your husband planned . . . learn from what hasn’t worked and be willing to change and adapt to the circumstances."
Will that solve all her problems? No, but perhaps it's a start, a gentle hand from a non-judgmental source. I hope you'll join me here on this blog and share your own advice or experiences that might help the rest of us. As I always say, we learn best when we learn from each other.
I'm grateful to be a part of your cyberlife, and I appreciate your time and interest every month. Take very good care of yourself :-)
And on that note, I've decided to change things up a bit here. We're still going to have our monthly newsletter, but I've moved it here to this blog, so that those of us who are experienced and able to help can do so and those of us who need help can benefit from the collected wisdom of the stepmoms who've been there, done that and have some sage advice to share.
One reason for this change is because I hear from so many stepmoms with basically the same problem -- in a nutshell: feeling overwhelmed, confused, scared, insecure and most importantly, ALONE. Stepmothering can be a very lonely prospect, and even a cyberspace touch can help, especially from someone who understands.
One stepmom who wrote to me recently was struggling in her new marriage, trying to get along with her stepdaughter and feeling responsible for everything that was going wrong. I told her that she articulated beautifully how so many new (and sometimes not so new) stepmoms feel. It’s a role full of surprises, fears, doubts, and worries about things you could have never imagined. It’s feeling completely out of control and inadequate, sometimes hating your life and often wondering how things could have spiraled downward so quickly. Joy and peace are a distant memory. Not an easy road for the faint of heart :-)
I told her how it's practically impossible to be fully prepared for the trials of steplife, that we feel like we should have known better, that we should have better responses for everything that comes at us, but I’ve learned that sometimes we just have to learn as we go. Steplife is like being dropped naked onto a cold planet with spotty oxygen – just trying to survive takes all your time and energy. Trying to do it well feels impossible.
I wrote these words to her that can really apply to any of us who walks the stepwalk:
"Please remember that what’s happening isn’t your fault – it’s the world of steplife and it is what it is – stressful and full of gremlins just waiting to attack you and pull you down. Try to just focus on a few broad strokes: tell the truth, forgive and ask forgiveness when you mess up, keep your integrity even when others lose theirs, learn from your mistakes, and remember that you get the chance to try again tomorrow. Do keep your hope for the future you and your husband planned . . . learn from what hasn’t worked and be willing to change and adapt to the circumstances."
Will that solve all her problems? No, but perhaps it's a start, a gentle hand from a non-judgmental source. I hope you'll join me here on this blog and share your own advice or experiences that might help the rest of us. As I always say, we learn best when we learn from each other.
I'm grateful to be a part of your cyberlife, and I appreciate your time and interest every month. Take very good care of yourself :-)
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