The Stepparenting Journey -- February, 2008

An alliance like no other . . . part two

We all know how volatile the relationship between mom and stepmom can be. Not nearly often enough do we hear of a mutually respectful and cooperative situation where the ladies accept each other, overcome difficulties and work together for something bigger than themselves.

Last month, we met Jill (the stepmom) and Kathy (the mom), the unlikely partners behind the relationship and the blog, The DHX: The Doughtie Houses Exchange. This month, we’ll continue our conversation:

What advice do you have for stepmoms and moms who want to work together?

Jill (stepmom): “Get to know each other outside of your relationships with the kids and the kids' dad. Go to coffee, go to movies, go to lunch. Expect it to be awkward at first. Just get to know each other as people as much as you can in the most accepting way possible.

"What are her favorite books? What are her favorite things to do? Her favorite ways to relax? Her favorite kinds of adventures? Who and what does she love, and why? Find as much about each other to bond over and enjoy as possible. Expect bumps in the road. You two will be sharing way more intimate space than either one of you will find entirely comfortable. Expect to learn. Expect to be vulnerable. Expect to start over. Expect to feel some pain sometimes. Accept it. It is infinitely more than worth the good things that building a sister-like relationship can bring.”

[Karon: I know that ‘awkward’ might not cover it if you tried to spend some time with your stepkids’ mom, but at least keep your mind and heart open to the idea. It’s hard to keep fighting forever.]

Kathy (mom): “Empathize, empathize, empathize. (If it gets tough, realize that she has to live with your ex, and you know what THAT's like!!!) And remember that it's about the kids. If it feels icky, try to get over it. You don't HAVE to be best friends. You don't HAVE to like hanging out, but, boy, if you can get to that place, it's great.”

What advice do you both have for stepmoms who deal with moms who won't cooperate?

Jill: “I might re-think what it means to cooperate. I think it's a good idea for the stepmom to follow the mom's lead. That might be kind of controversial, but the mom is sending you her babies. That's a really big deal. And sometimes cooperating can mean allowing people space and distance and autonomy.

“If a mom doesn't want a close relationship, I think stepmoms are best off respecting that, while still being friendly and respectful from a distance, wishing the mom well, and trying to imagine what it must feel like from the mom's perspective. If on the other hand, the stepmom finds herself in an entrenched conflict with a mom, I would seriously consider the possibility there's still plenty of work the stepmom could do on her own, on herself. I would try to think about how well I was cooperating with her.

"The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute is a great resource for seeing conflict in a new way and figuring out what things you might be unknowingly doing to perpetuate the problems that are stressing you out so much. That book helped me a LOT. More than anything else, though, I would say empathize, empathize, empathize. Try to see the world from her perspective."

[Karon: We talk about one of Jill’s points a lot here – about checking our own temperature and learning to control what we can, beginning with our own emotions, actions and reactions. That’s good advice in any situation.]

Kathy: “The question goes both ways, of course. I think for every stepmom who has a mom who won't cooperate, there's a mom who thinks the stepmom is being unreasonable. No one has any claim to being the ‘better’ side. It's like any other relationship and the first thing to realize is that it IS a relationship. You and this other woman are linked. Neither of you chose it to be that way. Neither of you particularly likes the situation. But you're in it and it is something that CAN be made to work, just like any other relationship.

“The key, as with everything else, is communication, compassion and a sense of humor. Despite all the stereotypes to the contrary, I don't think many people are really truly evil. Everyone has reasons for what they do and why they do them. You may have radically different value systems and your history may have included inflicting a lot of pain on each other. There's a lot going against you, but it really helps to try to get into the other woman's shoes. Luckily Jill and I wear the same size (literally), but it works as a metaphor as well. If you're not lucky to be well matched, that will require more work and more growth on both parts.

“Either way, it's challenging… no argument. But the kids are worth it and, bottom line, they're what's at stake here… not your comfort zone."

[Karon: And your comfort zone will be a lot more comfortable with a little peace in your life, so allow yourself to change and grow each day as you seek more understanding, patience, forgiveness and wisdom – for yourself and those around you.]

How about for the reverse situation? What advice would you give to moms who deal with stepmoms who won't cooperate?

Jill: “I would give the relationship time to develop. Be patient. Be friendly, kind, respectful, and try to understand how the world looks from the new stepmom's perspective. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for the shock and level of challenge that becoming a stepmom brings. [Karon: No arguments here.]

“We don't always show our best sides when first confronted with this incredible level of challenge. It's not the same or comparable to becoming a parent by birth. Have faith in her and in yourself. Forgive, start over, rebuild, as often as it takes. And just like for the reverse situation, empathize. Try to see the world from her perspective. Try to avoid labeling her or dehumanizing her. It's really hard to be a stepmom, especially at first. Support her. Listen to her if you can. Express faith in her.”

Kathy: “Give it time. Time helps a lot. Realize that she's trying to make a new relationship work with someone whom you know, from experience, is not a perfect person. Give them both some space and some understanding. If she's interfering with your kids, though, and the kids are suffering, I can't advocate anything other than doing what it takes to make sure the kids are OK. I've heard of step mothers actually hurting the kids and my blood boils at that.

"So all this talk is nice if the kids are OK, because the point is to make and keep the kids OK. Don't let your own anger whisper malicious stories in your ear. Don't let your bitterness see things that aren't there. Keep your integrity scrupulously intact. Check your anger at the door. If, after long thought and deep introspection, you still think the kids are suffering, and if you think WWIII between their parents is going to be actually better for them than the current situation, then do something about it. The kids come first. That goes the other way, too . . . if the bio-mom is hurting the kids, something needs to be done. No one is exempt from this.”

How did your website/blog come about, and what is your goal with it?

Jill: “We were talking in a coffee shop one day about big things that we wanted to do or that we wanted to be able to do for the kids that we both wished we had more money for. We'd both been playing with the idea of asking the other one to collaborate on a writing project. That was the first time either of us spoke the idea out loud to the other one. The idea of wanting more money for both houses was what got us started talking about it. We decided to start with a blog, and to eventually write a book together. It's been a very rich experience collaborating on our blog -- it's been this wonderful free, exciting, open feeling project. It's funny that it took a money conversation to get the ball rolling because it's so rewarding as it is. Which is great. But we still plan on publishing a book."

Kathy: “I come from a writing and publishing background and Jill is a passionate blogger and technology maven. It was a really natural place to go. We were talking about how grateful we were that we had made it through the dark times and were collaborating on how to go forward with the practicalities of our lives, and then this little thought bubble appeared over both our heads. It was the same thought, but hers read ‘Blog’ and mine read ‘Book.’

“The blog is an obvious proof of concept to see if we had anything to really offer the world, and so far the response has been amazingly validating. It's kind of unbelievable how rooted in the stone ages this particular relationship (mom and step-mom) still is. People are changing in all sorts of ways, socially -- open-mindedness about who can marry whom, expansion about living outside the bounds of matrimony, but when it comes to ‘divorce’ and ‘re-marriage’ and ‘the Evil Stepmother’ and the ‘Bitch Ex’ suddenly, collectively, we're back in the 1950's. It's time to change all that.”

[Karon: I hear from stepmoms all the time who run into a headwind of opposition and downright condemnation from their family, friends or church. Hey – none of us is perfect, we all need grace and support to make these scary and complicated lives work. At least we can help each other and do our best to set an example for those who follow in our footsteps. We can reach out in understanding and humility, manage differences, and learn from our mistakes. We can do our best each day, and that’s enough. Your best today may be to withhold a sarcastic comment or snap judgment when your insides are screaming. It’s a start. Let’s all do what we can today. And then do it again tomorrow.]

Anything else you want to add?

Jill: “I think what so many stepmoms crave is validation. You're walking into a situation where people are inclined to think of you as a little bit of a bad guy before they even know you. And you're in this incredibly complicated, deeply challenging situation which you probably have very few skills for handling at first.

“You probably think of yourself as basically a good, nice, kind, well-meaning person. And all of a sudden, from all directions, you're seen through this new lens, and feeling judged, and asked to do new, hard, things for the first time solving problems on the fly and falling down on your face constantly, and just not knowing what to do, and doing the best you can which isn't anywhere remotely close to good enough.

"That's the sense I get from stepmoms all over the internet, and that's how I felt at first, too. I really lucked out in having Kathy as my partner. She is flexible, warm, open, willing to keep showing up and trying, and willing to start over and over again. I love her.”

[Karon: Ok, Jill – can we all please clone Kathy? Takers, anyone?]

Kathy: “I think the thing for everyone to remember is that the bio-mom is living in a place of broken dreams (with regards to the marriage in question) and the step-mom is living in a place of new dreams. Those are very different places to be coming from, but we've all been on both sides of the table. So try to respect and remember what that other state of being feels like.

“Obviously it's more fun to be in love and looking towards a rosy future. As a mom, it's sometimes infuriating but, seriously, we all want to be there. Hopefully she'll be able to see where you're coming from, too. In the final analysis we are all more than just our labels. Jill is far more than ‘the other mom,’ the ‘new wife’ or even ‘good friend.’ She's complex and funny and tries hard and wears many different hats.

“Over and above all of it, we are just two people who have found ourselves in the same lifeboat. It's going to be a long journey. Why not chuck the baggage overboard, break open a bottle of something refreshing, and get on with the trip?”

In a perfect stepworld, we wouldn’t even need to be having this conversation, but there are families out there needing to grow, wounds needing to be healed, and children needing to see the adults in their lives behave with wisdom, integrity and compassion. It starts with you, with me. It starts when we’re willing to be more of the solution than the problem. It can start today.

Special thanks again to Jill and Kathy for their time and inspiration. Please be sure and stop by their blog and say hello. Thanks for reading. Take care. Wishing you many blessings always!