The Stepparenting Journey -- March, 2008

Partnership, or Playing Unfairly?

Steplife means compromise and cooperation, and it’s not always pretty. We may feel like we have to accept all kinds of behavior and experiences for the sake of the family, and that happens in some circumstances. But we know it’s best if both partners can work together with respect, give and take, accommodate the other’s wishes whenever possible and keep the good of the marriage uppermost in the fray.

A stepmom wrote to me a while back with the kind of problem that’s not uncommon – the kind where one partner simply does what he or she wants with no regard for the other. The degree of the problem varies, and usually it’s something the couple can work out, but it’s still stressful and in extreme cases can lead to severe trouble. Let’s take a look at this issue . . . .

The husband of the stepmom who wrote to me chose to do something for his grown daughter – something he and his wife had discussed and something he knew would upset her greatly if he did it. Behind her back, he did it anyway. Other stepmoms experience times when their husbands choose to accommodate their ex-wives with no regard to how unfair or insensitive it is to their wives. And then sometimes, it’s the stepmom’s in-laws her husband chooses to please over her.

Again – we all have to compromise and work around issues in a stepfamily and “take one for the team” now and then, but what I’m talking about here is blatant disregard for a spouse because the other puts the spouse’s feelings and consideration way below someone else’s.

Whether it’s grown kids, the ex-wife or his family, whenever one partner does that, it’s saying to the other that he’d rather disappoint or anger her because that’s more agreeable to him than disappointing or angering the grown kid, ex-wife or whoever. Usually it’s a pattern and a habit, and the wronged partner has two choices.

Here’s part of my response to the trouble stepmom who wrote to me. Her specific issue isn’t important – if you’ve been there with a stepchild or ex-wife, you’ll understand:

“You can’t change what’s happened, so you have to decide what to do about it. You can forgive your husband and live with his behavior (expect it to only get worse), or you can forgive him and expect him to stop this behavior (will only happen if hurting you becomes more uncomfortable than disappointing his daughter). . . so far, it sounds like the only person compromising is you, and that’s not good for any relationship.

“In any family, ‘helping your kids’ doesn’t mean that you abandon all sense of reasoning or that you abdicate your responsibility of rearing them just to make them happy. Sure, it’s tough at any age to say no and to force them to face the consequences of their actions, but if you don’t ever do it, the situation you have now is what you get – a grown woman pulling the strings of her father and her father risking his future because of it . . . .”

I know that sounds harsh, but the marriage is what holds the family together. If one partner is more interested in enabling and protecting the feelings of someone else than in the current and long-term effects of damaging decisions to his spouse and in behaving like an adult and taking responsibility for his marriage, this deep divide is what happens. Naturally, the wronged spouse feels betrayed and insignificant because of the other’s choices, and the outlook for the relationship darkens in the inequity of it all.

No one can always come first in any relationship, but when the choice is between respecting and honoring the spouse or the ex-spouse, it should be a simple choice. When it’s between being a strong parent who protects his marriage and his own integrity or continuing to coddle a grown child, it should be a simple choice. Again – we all understand exceptions, but the stepmom who wrote to me -- and you if you’re in this situation -- recognize this as a pervasive issue that doesn’t correct itself. It may take interference in the form of professional help or help from an objective source who can make the offending spouse see how damaging this behavior is, for his spouse, himself and his marriage.

Steplife is tough at any stage, and any time one spouse chooses to act in a unilateral way with no regard for how his spouse will be hurt by his actions – actions which are cowardly and agreed to just to keep from standing up to someone who shouldn’t control him in the first place – he risks his marriage.

If left unaddressed, this kind of behavior can easily become a deal-breaker because it comes down to one spouse choosing something or someone else over the other. It’s important that we look out for this behavior in ourselves as well, always remembering that we CHOOSE how we’ll treat others and allow ourselves to be treated – both crucial choices in any marriage.

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