The Stepparenting Journey -- June, 2008

A Role in a Word

A stepmom wrote to me recently about understanding ourselves in this unexpected role of stepmom. "Keep the faith," she said.

Her sentiment was simple, so I began to wonder: how simply can we define this role of stepmom? Can we boil it down to one word? If you had to, what one word would you choose to describe youself in your role of stepmom? What one word would tell another what being a stepmom has meant to you? What one word is synonymous with "stepmom" for you?

Maybe it's fatigue. You might laugh, but we stepmoms understand tired well. Sometimes it's a physical tiredness, but more often, it's an emotional one. Maybe you're tired of fighting, tired of dealing with your stepkids or their mom, tired of trying to "blend" with people who won't help. Depending on your place right now, fatigue could describe your role, or hopefully, it's a word you've left behind or one you can see yourself escaping from in the near future.

Maybe it's anger. Stepmothering does bring out some unpleasant feelings and behaviors in us, and sometimes it feels like all we are is a big tangled pile of barb wire. Situations we never expected overtake us and problems from all sides consume us. Anger is understandable, but if that's your place right now, it can't last. Like a sugar rush, it won't sustain us. We have to move on and find productive ways to deal with our lives.

Maybe it's management. Maybe you've lived through the fatigue and beat the anger, and now you're in management mode. You're under no illusions that a perfect steplife is in the cards, and you've moved on to finding practical and effective ways to handle those never-ending issues that steplife provides. We don't ever get it all right, but in management mode, we have more good days that bad ones, and our skills are improving.

Maybe it's growth. Either we grow or we die. If you're keeping on keeping on, then you're growing. Be proud of that growth. Stepmothering changes us, no doubt about it, and if we can embrace that change and learn from it, then we'll experience amazing growth within ourselves. We'll discover maturity and wisdom to guide us in this always complicated journey. And we'll continue to make discoveries about ourselves that make us better stepmoms and better women, always growing stronger.

Maybe it's hope. Not completely under control but not willing to give up, maybe it's hope that defines you. You don't have all the answers but you're still asking the questions. You know the pain of a troubled steplife but you believe something more is possible. You see everything that doesn't work but you're holding on to what does, however little, building on what you can. You may be in a mess right now but you trust yourself and those you love to get out of it. You may hurt but you also hope.

No matter what word you choose, I hope you'll wrap it, underline it and punctuate it with the word I've chosen: choice. I never understood the power of my choice before I became a stepmom. I never knew how much I could affect my feelings, behavior and goals just because of the choices I make. I never knew how much I could affect those around me or the peace and contentment I could have because of the choices I make. Maybe I was a little slow to come to this realization, but thankfully I did. Accepting the responsibility of my own choices gave me the power and control over myself that I needed to better live my role as stepmom. That responsibility is a daily blessing and reminder that I will continue to choose how to define this role. So can you.

If you have a moment, please write to me and tell me what your word is. I know our readers would love to hear how their fellow stepmoms see their lives, because we can all learn from and gain great inspiration from each other. I look forward to hearing your "words" and thank you so much!

* * * SPECIAL NOTE * * *

Also, if you're interested in being part of my new book, please go here and read a little about it. I sincerely appreciate all your contributions!