I went to the dentist the other day, just for a cleaning. I'd be in and out in under an hour. No problem.
Well, true enough, I wasn't there that long, but I have to go. back. next. week. I wasn't expecting the bespeckled doctor to summon my return for not one but TWO fillings. And they're not even cavities, but broken fillings from one of the other fifteen times I've had a mouth full of drills and metal.
Why am I boring you with my dental agony, you wonder. Given my history of bad teeth that've all been filled and refilled more often that I've had my hair cut, perhaps I should have just expected Dr. Meanie to find something wrong. But no, I went in there truly expecting to hear a "nice job, see ya in six months, go have some ice cream!" Then when that didn't happen, I was none too happy.
I just don't have time for this right now, I wanted to whine. I wanted to pout and stomp my foot like a five-year-old because, well, that just wasn't what he was supposed to say. But being between that too-young-to-know-better and too-old-to-care age, fortunately the restraint of middle-age-spread maturity took over and I stood politely while the sweet little girl in the front scheduled my return to walk the plank. Oh the agony of it all.
My point is that our expectations can create unnecessary trouble for us whether we're expecting better news at the dentist office or better behavior from our stepkids or better understanding from their mom -- or a thousand other things in our steplives that -- surprise! -- don't materialize.
Now, whether I had expected good news or bad at the dentist office wouldn't have changed the outcome, and perhaps our expectations in steplife won't change people or situations there either, BUT we can examine our expectations closely and not fear the outcome of whatever's about to happen, but prepare ourselves to handle it well instead.
Looking ahead to what undersirable developments might crash around us doesn't give us a sour outlook and make us negative nellies. It makes us more calm, more focused, and more effective with what we can* control.
In dealing with our families, things are often less black-and-white that those confounded x-rays of my teeth, more fluid and subject to change. But we can learn to adapt and improvise, and thinking ahead helps us do that a little more effectively.
Preparing for the possibilities means
*being "cautiously optimistic" about those around us [perhaps everything will go great this time, but if she reacts the way she has in the past, what will my response be today and what is the most important point I want to get across?],
*analyzing the situations we face [if the people in this situation with me won’t agree with me or accept my suggestions, what is my next move and how will this effect the next issue down the road?],
*looking for the best way to protect and grow our families through them [if things don’t work out well, what can we take from this situation to make any to come less painful and how will I model better behavior for those around me?],
*and having enough trust in ourselves to make wise decisions [even if I’ve not handled these issues well in the past, what have I learned and what can I do out of love and forgiveness to usher in a better outcome this time?].
A little preparation goes a long way toward making the "going to the dentist" days of our steplives more manageable and less stressful. We can't always create the reality we want (and I’ll soon have two shiny new fillings to prove it...grrrrrr), but we can create our part in it, and we can respond and react with grace and poise.
We can do better than I did when Dr. Meanie made his diagnosis. We can learn from our times of reckless expectations and become masters at dealing with those problems and disappointments that just keep coming no matter how much we do to discourage them.
We can celebrate and enjoy the times that far outshine all we could ever hope to expect, and we can manage and make it through those times that are less than we hoped for. Prepared, we can keep going and keep growing. One day at a time is enough.
Don't forget to floss.
For more on simplifying your expectations, see Chapter 2 of
"The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life".
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