The Stepparenting Journey -- July, 2008

Your Role, Your Words

It's tough to describe our roles as stepmoms, but words are all we have, and some of our readers have shared theirs with us. I hope you'll find inspiration from their thoughts and understand that you're not alone. Whatever you're feeling, some other stepmom has been there and understands. And on those great days when you're taking a few victory laps, know that you can be a light and a hope to those who are struggling. It's true -- there's strength in numbers. Let's stick together and see what our comrads had to say:

Stepmom MH has kept it short but profound:

"Words synonymous with being a stepmom:
Prayer
Patience
Perseverance"

Stepmom KF has taken a bit of a philosophical approach:

"Bittersweet has got to be it. I hope that doesn't sound too negative. Afterall, bittersweet chocolate is quite tasty, and supposedly it's good for you, too! If I had my 'druthers', I'd prefer the smooth richness of milk chocolate . . . but if what life hands me is bittersweet, I would enjoy that rather than have no chocolate at all."

Stepmom KR speaks like the seasoned stepmom she is. I know you may not be as comfortable in your role as she is in hers, but she stands as an example for us all:

"My word as a stepmom is ABANDON....as in:

"Abandon preconceived notions about how this all should work! We have celebrated holidays on 'off' days to accomodate visitation schedules, we've made our own new family traditions...we've even gone out to lunch after youth football games with ex-wife and new husband because the kids wanted us all together!

"Abandon pride...yes, I once called my husband's ex-wife to find out how she seasoned her taco meat and what kind of sauce she used in her lasagna so that the kids would be sure to like dinner those nights!

"Abandon fear...fear of doing everything wrong, of not being accepted, of not being loved!

"Abandon doubt...Once I abandoned the notions that I would never measure up in comparison to my daughter and son's mom ( I don't like to refer to them as stepkids...they are my kids!), abandoned my pride in order to do things that are in the best interest of my kids, abandoned my own fears and just loved them -- the most amazing thing happened. We started to click as a family. I won't ever take the place of their mother, but they know I am always here for them to love them, cheer them on, comfort them and guide them!"

Stepmom CK shares some of her experiences I know we can all relate to because we've been there:

"My word would be FLEXIBLE.

"We stepmoms may think we have that special Friday night all to ourselves with our husband, but there has been a change in plans, and the kids are staying over tonight. We can't let the disappointment set in but we must be flexible and revise our schedules. Perhaps the family could play a board game or rent a movie together instead.

"We may think we are having that special chicken casserole we prepared last night, but whoops, my husband has picked them up and they want take out food. They had chicken at Mom's for the past two nights. We can be FLEXIBLE and go with the flow and order take-out with the rest of the family. Or we can go ahead and have that casserole we so carefully prepared.

"We can think that that very special moment we had with our difficult stepdaughter has brought us to a closer bond. But by the time she returns after the weekend at Mom's she as cool and distant as she was before. It's another disappointment and yet another decision to be FLEXIBLE. It's just a moment, there will be other moments and certainly the house will not fall apart. But inwardly and silently your heart breaks in two. Remember to continue to be FLEXIBLE.

"On the flip side, your husband announces that their Mom wants to take them on a one-week vacation. You jump for joy inside and yet hide the excitement. You don't want to be too excited in front of your husband. You are excited to spend alone time with him, but silently you remember these are his children. It's time to call a fellow stepmom who will understand all your emotions. Once again, you are FLEXIBLE but this time it works in your favor. You have a week alone with your husband in your own home. No cleaning up after someone else's children. A big sigh of relief!

"Your stepdaughter announces that she'll be spending the night with a girlfriend and would that be okay. You once again silently rejoice that you'll only have to deal with one child tonight instead of two. You thank God above and enjoy your alone time with the other child and your husband. Once again, you have been FLEXIBLE and it has worked in your favor.

"You attend a joint family function and you carefully plan your moves. You'll show up to the graduation just in time. No time to chit-chat before the graduation. You take your seat by your husband, his kids, his ex-wife and ex-mother in law. You quickly exit after a few brief hellos and congratulations and attend another event.

"You were FLEXIBLE in attending the child's event, dealing with the other family and you made your smooth exit. Once again, being FLEXIBLE helps you cope with the extended family you've married into. You were there to support your stepdaughter's graduation, but you politely declined an after-graduation party which included the Entire Extended family because you truthfully had another event to attend.

"Here are three not so positive events and three positive events that actually occurred to me fairly recently. I am a person that generally likes a routine and likes to know what to expect. I suppose that is why becoming FLEXIBLE has really helped me to let go of the control and just reposition myself when needed."

And stepmom TS reminds us it's not all us to us. Do you best, that's enough:

"My word is Surrender....
"To God that is . . . unless you surrender any anger or bitterness or unforgiveness (all of which I have felt in varying forms once I became a stepmom) you will end up miserable and hopeless (of which I have been also). I find that when I surrender to God’s authority, he will be my healer, redeemer, my rock and my fortress. He alone has the authority to judge or punish so I give it to him and he takes care of all of it."

I hope you can take a moment and think of a few special words to help you define your role today -- and even more words to inspire you to the place you want to be. Hope is a good one. Wishing you all the best!

* * * SPECIAL NOTE * * *

Once again, if you're interested in being part of my new book, please go here and read a little about it. I sincerely appreciate all your contributions, but I need your stories by the end of July. I look forward to hearing from you!