Normal-ish
A stepmom wrote to me recently, glad to read on our site columns from me and contributions from you that helped her realize, with great relief, that she is normal, that what she's feeling doesn't make her an alien, a candidate for the mental ward, or an evil character from a fairy tale. We know that feeling.
We stepmoms try so had, can't help but make mistakes, often face opposition from many sources, and then have to give names to the strange and upsetting new feelings we have. What we began with such promise and hope feels hopeless and dying, and what's worse, sometimes we don't care. We hurt too much and feel too powerless and out of control to have a clue about what to do. But despite the universal problems stepmoms face, we often feel isolated and buy into everyone's decree that we just need to "get over it." And normal feels a world away, but let's take a look at how close it is . . . .
It's normal to feel overwhelmed. No matter how smart or clever we are or how sure we feel that we'll be able to handle all the intricacies of steplife, in the matter of a few days or a few comments, we can feel completely under water with no scuba gear in sight. Life gets real complicated real fast, and to feel like everything is spinning out of our reach is perfectly normal.
It's normal to feel exhausted. What seems manageable for the traditional family is just a dream, a simple concept we long for. And the added physical work is second to the mental stress and strain that can dominate a stepmom's every moment. Pervasive fatigue takes over, and needing relief is perfectly normal.
It's normal to feel jealous. Everybody has to share more than they'd like in a stepfamily, and even with our best intentions and most grown-up grip on that dreaded feeling of jealousy, it seeps out now and then. We may recognize it well when it happens and do our best to contain it and counter it, but we often can't deny it. Yes, we'll get better at controlling it, but feeling jealous--and wishing we didn't--is perfectly normal.
It's normal to feel forgotten. Overlooked. Insignificant. Marginalized. You pick a word. Everyone--stepmoms included--tend to focus on the kids, as well we should. But in that deep effort, something else gets un-focused on, and more often than not, it's the stepmom. Yes, we're adults and we're capable of standing up for ourselves, but nobody wants to feel last all the time, and it hurts even worse when that feeling comes from a spouse. Even doing our best to rationalize the feeling away, feeling forgotten is perfectly normal.
It's normal to feel panicked. Sometimes the going is so tough that stepmoms just want to go. Probably every stepmom has wondered if she made the wrong decision, imagines a simpler life away from stepkids and their mom, and thinks about ending her marriage because it just hurts too much. Wanting so much to succeed and yet fearing that she never will, a stepmom can just want to give up, cut her losses and admit defeat. It's not pretty, but feeling panicked is perfectly normal.
And, thankfully, it's normal to feel encouraged by a surprise gesture of affection from a stepchild. It's normal to feel relieved by an uneventful encounter with her mom. It's normal to feel inspired by a demonstration of your own integrity. It's normal to feel completely overjoyed by the tiniest, most microscopic hint of a speck of hope in something good.
So while everything we feel may be only normal-ish in the traditional sense, it's perfectly normal in stepworld. Welcome, you're among friends.
"The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life".
Changes
One thing we can always count on in steplife is change. We may like it or we may not, but it comes nonetheless. And we must respond. We must make new choices and adapt our world to the new winds that blow.
Change comes in bunches sometimes. Within two months, my grandmother died, my husband and I moved, my son moved, and our first grandchild was born. Maybe in your family it's a new school for the kids or you, a new job, a new location, or maybe new custody arrangements or other situations with your stepkids' other family. Sometimes much of the change is out of our control.
When drastic changes come, everything has to rearrange, including us. So how do we do that? How do we wrap our minds around the ever-changing landscape of our lives? How do we factor "stepmom" into everything new and different? Maybe these strategies will help . . . .
Rest in confidence. Take a breath. And then take another. Regardless of the change you face or if you fear a scary future, you can hold on to where you are and remember that you've weathered other developments and surprises successfully in the past. And you're still *you,* strong and capable. You can pause, study and plan, trusting you'll do well now too. Panic won't help.
Gather and document information. When things are moving quickly, details, dates, financial records and anything you need to keep up with can get lost, confused or forgotten. Get the information you need, write it down, and put it all in one place. That'll help relieve some of the inevitable stress and save time too.
Stay ahead of schedule. Some changes we can prepare for. If you have that luxury, take care of everything you can as early as possible. If financial changes are coming, for example, can you put away some extra money for child support, prepay some bills or eliminate some expenses now? Give yourself a cushion of time, money or other resources wherever you can.
Focus on the core. Some changes take precedence over just about everything else. When you have one of those upheavals in your life, do some triage. Focus on the bleeding and let the mosquito bites go. Jealously guard your time with your husband, be present for your kids and stepkids and meet them with a caring word. Give yourself to your changes and the core of your life and let the peripheral stuff go guilt-free. It'll wait on you.
Be open to good developments. Sometimes we think all change is bad, but within the tough challenges we can usually find something good if we'll allow ourselves to. Hold the change up against the backdrop of your life and see what possibilities come forward. Keep an open mind and then maximize anything good or positive you see. It'll be work, but it'll be worth it. Our grandbaby is a good change, but his arrival means learning how to cope with his other grandmother--his "real" grandmother--in a new way. I'm very new at this, but when I hold him, bad memories are a little duller, and I'm hoping for more and more good as he grows and as I focus on the future.
We can't deny or refuse or stop the changes in our lives, so we'll cope with them. We'll learn new skills because of them and develop talents we didn't know we had. We'll grow up within ourselves because we can meet the changes head-on.
We may not court it, but the change we face is what it is, and we can still choose how we'll live our lives around it. We'll be able to effect change to our world too, by our actions and reactions, our words and efforts, able to find what makes us stronger, wiser and more capable stepmoms. We don't have to be afraid of change, just ready.
"The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life".
Do One Thing Today
"Blending" flawlessly and smoothly is probably something like preparing the perfect meal -- and I've never done either one. But I do get a portion of both right on occasion, and hopefully your track record is better than mine. Either way, we can all do one thing today to move our blending along. Personally, I've given up on the cooking.
Stepmom and counselor Susan J. Hetrick's site and book, Advice From the Blender, offers some quick tips and practical advice for new or experienced stepmoms -- because we always enjoy learning new answers to old problems. Let's take a closer look at her book and see if we can come up with a few new ideas of our own too . . . .
Hetrick offers the experiences of fourteen stepfamilies in addition to her own and addresses issues such as expectations, bonding, parenting skills, holidays and more. She points out how important it is to understand any failed relationship in the past so that we "don't repeat the same mistakes." And while navigating through step-waters is always a challenge and one we want to meet well, she says that "your top priority should be your own personal growth."
I appreciated Hetrick's story of her own teenage daughter's meltdown -- and how she came to see that her daughter saw her mom and stepdad as the "safe" family, where she could express her anger. I believe the same principle applies to us as stepmoms -- we can be that "safe place" for our stepkids when we love them through the hard times because we've chosen to, not because we have to.
Hetrick concludes her book with "The House Blend," a family blending recipe of eight ingredients, including exceptional communication skills, flexibility, prayer and more. She makes it sound doable, and it's helpful to check how we're stirring the pot, learning to add what we need as we go. I think you'll enjoy her book, and one thing you can do today to help your family is check out a new resource, a new book or site or even ask the advice of a more experienced stepmom.
Today's a fine day for any of that, because we all know how depressingly long the family-blending process can take. We know how often we can fail and how many times we wonder if we can go on. But we can.
We can go on one day at a time, one step forward at a time, and we're never short of chances to "blend," actions to take and choices to make to improve our world.
I know your situation presents unique opportunities, but here are a few ideas to add to the mix. You can make a difference in your stepfamily, today. Choose one idea. Do it today. Then choose again tomorrow.
*Forgive someone. Forgiving doesn’t wash away what the other person did, but it allows you to wash it off your heart. When you let it go, you make room for something better than hurt and bitterness. Try it today.
*Compliment someone. It doesn’t have to be for something big. Take note if your stepson combed his hair or his dad spoke in a compassionate way.
*Play a game. Take ten minutes and play I-Spy with your stepkids. Turn setting the table into a game of memory for your toddler. Ask the teenagers in your house a daily trivia question.
*Write a letter to a stepchild. Whether your stepchild is five or twenty-five, you may want to say more than you can say out loud. Write it down. Save it for later, or send it if you want.
*Say thank you. Thank someone in your family personally or send an email or card. Your gratitude for even the smallest effort or action will be appreciated. Even when you’re thanking someone for something they’re supposed to do anyway, an enthusiastic thank you is recognition and encouragement well placed.
*Plan a party. Plan any kind of party – maybe a back-to-school party or a football party or better yet, a party for no reason. Day or night, it doesn’t matter. Get the kids involved and set aside a few hours to relax and have fun. They’ll remember.
*Smile. It’s easy to move from task to task with the demeanor of a drill sergeant when there’s too much to do, but a sour disposition won’t make things move along any faster. Before you sit down to breakfast, before you start the car pool, before you look over homework -- take a deep breath, hold your head high, smile and take in the moment. It won’t be back.
*Make a family photo. Go formal if you want, or grab your camera and click today. It doesn’t matter how everyone’s dressed or if the lighting is perfect -- just a day-in-the-life, impromptu picture for the refrigerator. You may even want copies.
Enjoy your day!
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Your Role, Your Words
It's tough to describe our roles as stepmoms, but words are all we have, and some of our readers have shared theirs with us. I hope you'll find inspiration from their thoughts and understand that you're not alone. Whatever you're feeling, some other stepmom has been there and understands. And on those great days when you're taking a few victory laps, know that you can be a light and a hope to those who are struggling. It's true -- there's strength in numbers. Let's stick together and see what our comrads had to say:
Stepmom MH has kept it short but profound:
"Words synonymous with being a stepmom:
Prayer
Patience
Perseverance"
Stepmom KF has taken a bit of a philosophical approach:
"Bittersweet has got to be it. I hope that doesn't sound too negative. Afterall, bittersweet chocolate is quite tasty, and supposedly it's good for you, too! If I had my 'druthers', I'd prefer the smooth richness of milk chocolate . . . but if what life hands me is bittersweet, I would enjoy that rather than have no chocolate at all."
Stepmom KR speaks like the seasoned stepmom she is. I know you may not be as comfortable in your role as she is in hers, but she stands as an example for us all:
"My word as a stepmom is ABANDON....as in:
"Abandon preconceived notions about how this all should work! We have celebrated holidays on 'off' days to accomodate visitation schedules, we've made our own new family traditions...we've even gone out to lunch after youth football games with ex-wife and new husband because the kids wanted us all together!
"Abandon pride...yes, I once called my husband's ex-wife to find out how she seasoned her taco meat and what kind of sauce she used in her lasagna so that the kids would be sure to like dinner those nights!
"Abandon fear...fear of doing everything wrong, of not being accepted, of not being loved!
"Abandon doubt...Once I abandoned the notions that I would never measure up in comparison to my daughter and son's mom ( I don't like to refer to them as stepkids...they are my kids!), abandoned my pride in order to do things that are in the best interest of my kids, abandoned my own fears and just loved them -- the most amazing thing happened. We started to click as a family. I won't ever take the place of their mother, but they know I am always here for them to love them, cheer them on, comfort them and guide them!"
Stepmom CK shares some of her experiences I know we can all relate to because we've been there:
"My word would be FLEXIBLE.
"We stepmoms may think we have that special Friday night all to ourselves with our husband, but there has been a change in plans, and the kids are staying over tonight. We can't let the disappointment set in but we must be flexible and revise our schedules. Perhaps the family could play a board game or rent a movie together instead.
"We may think we are having that special chicken casserole we prepared last night, but whoops, my husband has picked them up and they want take out food. They had chicken at Mom's for the past two nights. We can be FLEXIBLE and go with the flow and order take-out with the rest of the family. Or we can go ahead and have that casserole we so carefully prepared.
"We can think that that very special moment we had with our difficult stepdaughter has brought us to a closer bond. But by the time she returns after the weekend at Mom's she as cool and distant as she was before. It's another disappointment and yet another decision to be FLEXIBLE. It's just a moment, there will be other moments and certainly the house will not fall apart. But inwardly and silently your heart breaks in two. Remember to continue to be FLEXIBLE.
"On the flip side, your husband announces that their Mom wants to take them on a one-week vacation. You jump for joy inside and yet hide the excitement. You don't want to be too excited in front of your husband. You are excited to spend alone time with him, but silently you remember these are his children. It's time to call a fellow stepmom who will understand all your emotions. Once again, you are FLEXIBLE but this time it works in your favor. You have a week alone with your husband in your own home. No cleaning up after someone else's children. A big sigh of relief!
"Your stepdaughter announces that she'll be spending the night with a girlfriend and would that be okay. You once again silently rejoice that you'll only have to deal with one child tonight instead of two. You thank God above and enjoy your alone time with the other child and your husband. Once again, you have been FLEXIBLE and it has worked in your favor.
"You attend a joint family function and you carefully plan your moves. You'll show up to the graduation just in time. No time to chit-chat before the graduation. You take your seat by your husband, his kids, his ex-wife and ex-mother in law. You quickly exit after a few brief hellos and congratulations and attend another event.
"You were FLEXIBLE in attending the child's event, dealing with the other family and you made your smooth exit. Once again, being FLEXIBLE helps you cope with the extended family you've married into. You were there to support your stepdaughter's graduation, but you politely declined an after-graduation party which included the Entire Extended family because you truthfully had another event to attend.
"Here are three not so positive events and three positive events that actually occurred to me fairly recently. I am a person that generally likes a routine and likes to know what to expect. I suppose that is why becoming FLEXIBLE has really helped me to let go of the control and just reposition myself when needed."
And stepmom TS reminds us it's not all us to us. Do you best, that's enough:
"My word is Surrender....
"To God that is . . . unless you surrender any anger or bitterness or unforgiveness (all of which I have felt in varying forms once I became a stepmom) you will end up miserable and hopeless (of which I have been also). I find that when I surrender to God’s authority, he will be my healer, redeemer, my rock and my fortress. He alone has the authority to judge or punish so I give it to him and he takes care of all of it."
I hope you can take a moment and think of a few special words to help you define your role today -- and even more words to inspire you to the place you want to be. Hope is a good one. Wishing you all the best!
* * * SPECIAL NOTE * * *
Once again, if you're interested in being part of my new book, please go here and read a little about it. I sincerely appreciate all your contributions, but I need your stories by the end of July. I look forward to hearing from you!
A Role in a Word
A stepmom wrote to me recently about understanding ourselves in this unexpected role of stepmom. "Keep the faith," she said.
Her sentiment was simple, so I began to wonder: how simply can we define this role of stepmom? Can we boil it down to one word? If you had to, what one word would you choose to describe youself in your role of stepmom? What one word would tell another what being a stepmom has meant to you? What one word is synonymous with "stepmom" for you?
Maybe it's fatigue. You might laugh, but we stepmoms understand tired well. Sometimes it's a physical tiredness, but more often, it's an emotional one. Maybe you're tired of fighting, tired of dealing with your stepkids or their mom, tired of trying to "blend" with people who won't help. Depending on your place right now, fatigue could describe your role, or hopefully, it's a word you've left behind or one you can see yourself escaping from in the near future.
Maybe it's anger. Stepmothering does bring out some unpleasant feelings and behaviors in us, and sometimes it feels like all we are is a big tangled pile of barb wire. Situations we never expected overtake us and problems from all sides consume us. Anger is understandable, but if that's your place right now, it can't last. Like a sugar rush, it won't sustain us. We have to move on and find productive ways to deal with our lives.
Maybe it's management. Maybe you've lived through the fatigue and beat the anger, and now you're in management mode. You're under no illusions that a perfect steplife is in the cards, and you've moved on to finding practical and effective ways to handle those never-ending issues that steplife provides. We don't ever get it all right, but in management mode, we have more good days that bad ones, and our skills are improving.
Maybe it's growth. Either we grow or we die. If you're keeping on keeping on, then you're growing. Be proud of that growth. Stepmothering changes us, no doubt about it, and if we can embrace that change and learn from it, then we'll experience amazing growth within ourselves. We'll discover maturity and wisdom to guide us in this always complicated journey. And we'll continue to make discoveries about ourselves that make us better stepmoms and better women, always growing stronger.
Maybe it's hope. Not completely under control but not willing to give up, maybe it's hope that defines you. You don't have all the answers but you're still asking the questions. You know the pain of a troubled steplife but you believe something more is possible. You see everything that doesn't work but you're holding on to what does, however little, building on what you can. You may be in a mess right now but you trust yourself and those you love to get out of it. You may hurt but you also hope.
No matter what word you choose, I hope you'll wrap it, underline it and punctuate it with the word I've chosen: choice. I never understood the power of my choice before I became a stepmom. I never knew how much I could affect my feelings, behavior and goals just because of the choices I make. I never knew how much I could affect those around me or the peace and contentment I could have because of the choices I make. Maybe I was a little slow to come to this realization, but thankfully I did. Accepting the responsibility of my own choices gave me the power and control over myself that I needed to better live my role as stepmom. That responsibility is a daily blessing and reminder that I will continue to choose how to define this role. So can you.
If you have a moment, please write to me and tell me what your word is. I know our readers would love to hear how their fellow stepmoms see their lives, because we can all learn from and gain great inspiration from each other. I look forward to hearing your "words" and thank you so much!
* * * SPECIAL NOTE * * *
Also, if you're interested in being part of my new book, please go here and read a little about it. I sincerely appreciate all your contributions!
Solving Nothing, Still Working
We often enter into our steplives with the perceived power of Wonder Woman, Superman and Mighty Mouse combined. We have great hope and focus, full confidence in our abilities, our patience and our strength – superhuman even.
And often we succeed! We’re able to have a refreshingly positive influence on our families and serve as intermediary, peace broker, and stabilizer for those around us. Sometimes, though, being able to solve the problems around us is like flying off the tallest building without a magic cape in sight. Not gonna happen.
Sometimes the problems our families face are problems no parent can solve – bitter ex-spouses who plan to stay that way, geographical constraints that make parenting sad and hard, young adult children with self-destructive tendencies. We’ve learned the lesson fast: so very much is out of our control.
What does your list of problems out of your control look like? Is it affecting your marriage, your health, perhaps your job? Here are a few tips that might help:
Think supporter, not solver. How can you support those hurt by the problems? Sometimes our focus is better served there than in trying to attack the problem. Your husband may be troubled by his kids’ behavior and especially if they’re old enough, there’s little either of you can do to change it. But you can be supportive, not judgmental. You can listen and offer advice without trying to take over and “fix” everyone. You can be a quiet source of strength your husband and family need.
Think present, not past. We can’t change anything that’s already happened, superhero or otherwise, so dwelling on others’ or our own contributions to the problem won’t help. What might help is taking the opportunities before us each day to focus on growth and forgiveness, to refuse to fall into old patterns that only make things worse, to practice what we learn one day at a time and expect no more from those around us. Every day gives us a new and better grip on ourselves and our world – we start fresh and leave the past in the past.
Think adaptation, not abandonment. We all have those "things we cannot change” in our lives, step and beyond, but we continue to work to make things better as long as we don’t give up and abandon all hope. We can resist the urge to throw our hands in the air and swear “she’ll never be different.” we can refuse to let the problem “tail” wag the life “dog” we cherish. We can adapt our approach to the difficult people in our lives, adapt our focus and shift from the negative to the positive, to what brings us joy. We can adapt to the problems around us without letting them overtake us or pretending they don’t exist. As long as we keep doing our best, we have hope, and that’s powerful.
Think goal, not problem. We’ve talked about this before – to reframe the problems in our lives that we can’t control as goals that involve behavior we can control. You can’t make your stepkids’ mom tell the truth, but you can work to create an atmosphere of honesty and integrity in your home. You can’t make your husband stop his kids’ manipulation, but you can work to improve your relationship with them and refuse to allow your values to be compromised. You can’t make problems go away, but you can work to lessen the impact and fallout on yourself and your marriage.
Clearly, all this work on our part takes time, energy, commitment, consistency and – did I mention – time?? Complicated problems invade our lives, but our lives are still worth living, our marriages worth saving, our stepkids worth our investment. Little steps on our part won’t solve every problem today, but they can’t hurt. That’s a start.
Need a little help right now? For only 49 cents, check out our Amazon Short:
I was very honored this week to be part of columnist Sarah Hampson's tribute to stepmoms in Canada's largest newspaper, The Globe and Mail. It's a great read, so when you have a moment, check Happy under-appreciation day: Celebrating the stepmom. And Happy Mother's Day for all the mothering you do :-)
