A blog tour -- please join us!

I hope you'll join me and a group of other bloggers for an upcoming blog tour of Stepping Stones for Stepmoms: Everyday Strength for a Blended Family Mom.



Here's the schedule:

• Step by Step -- Tuesday, November 13
  
  
• Stepmom Land -- Thursday, November 15
  
  
• Step-family Talk --Tuesday, November 27
  
  
• Stepmother's Milk -- Thursday, November 29
  
  
• Smart Stepfamilies -- Tuesday, December 4
  
  
• Simplicity in the Suburbs --Thursday, December 6
  
  
• The Stepfamily Life -- Tuesday, December 11
  
  
• A Stepmom’s Say -- Thursday, December 13
  
  

Thanks!
Many blessings,
Karon

Announcements! And a survey opportunity...

Couple book announcements for you . . . .

I still don't have a publication date yet, but I've written an Amazon Short -- do you know what that is? Amazon Shorts are brief works that you order and download from Amazon.com for -- get this -- 49 cents each! Then you can read your new Short online or print it out, it's yours to keep forever. How cool is that?!

My Short is titled 7 Decisions You Can Make Today to Improve Your Steplife, and I'll post the link as soon as it's available.

Also, you may have noticed that It's Not My Stepkids--It's Their Mom! hasn't been available as an ebook for a little while, but that's about to change. It'll be re-released through Booklocker.com soon, and I'll post that link, too.

Ok, here's the survey:

If you're sharing parenting responsibilities, you may want to take part in a research survey on Remarital Quality in Stepfamilies under the direction of the Families in Motion Research & Information Centre at the University of Victoria in British Columbia. Clinical Psychology Doctoral student Jennifer Pringle invites you to check out the survey HERE. Jennifer hopes the knowledge gained through the survey "of the unique transitions and circumstances experienced by remarried individuals will help professionals to support remarried couples and stepfamilies in adjusting to these transitions."Also, participants who meet the eligibility criteria and submit one complete survey are offered a gift card to the Canadian Chapters/Indigo/Coles bookstores.

Thank you.

The Stepparenting Journey, October, 2007

Fighting the Energy Drain

I was reminded again recently of how we are really responsible for the way others treat us and how they make us feel. Sure, folks get mad or insecure now and then and lash out through no fault of anyone else – that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the pervasive, ongoing hurtful and mean behavior of someone in our lives, behavior that sucks all the energy out of us and leaves us sad. And when this behavior comes from someone we can’t get away from, we have to find a way to cope.

Maybe you have someone like that in your life. Maybe it’s your stepkids’ mom or grandparent. Maybe it’s your own mom. Maybe it’s your stepson or stepdaughter. Regardless of the relationship, a few constants remain.

The behavior is probably not about you. Some people are just overly opinionated, critical and judgmental, and you might be an easy target. For whatever reason, the person may believe she has a right to voice her opinions about your life. Chances are, she imposes herself and her views into other people’s lives, too.

Minimize the opportunities. If it’s your stepkids’ mom who’s beating you up {figuratively speaking}, re-evaluate the boundaries you have with her. Have you become too familiar, to the point that she’s taking advantage of the relationship to subtlety criticize you? Have you divulged too many details about your life or let your guard down too far? If her words are hurting you, look for ways to limit your interaction and when you do interact, limit your information so that she has less to comment on.

Invoke your right to remain silent. Just because the hurtful person in your life asks (demands) answers from you, that doesn’t mean you have to respond. Probably no answer you can give will satisfy her anyway, and constantly trying to defend yourself and your choices is exhausting. Eventually, if you begin to practically not respond to her complaints, she’ll have to give up on that topic and move on to something else.

Try to shift the focus. If your disagreeable person in your life is your stepchild, try to shift the focus of your time together and conversations to something pleasant. I know that sounds hard if you’re dealing with a rebellious, disrespectful teen, for example. But we can try. We can squelch a damaging conversation with a reminder of a happier memory. We can find common ground that won’t promote judgmental words or hurtful exchanges. If you have even a tiny slice of a happy past to draw on, you have great hope for repairing the damage.

Accept your limitations. You can’t change the other person – we know that fact well. We can’t “behave” well enough to make the caustic person in our lives speak only with uplifting and encouraging words. We can’t fix whatever is wrong in that person’s life to make her not so judgmental and cruel. We can model better behavior for her, but we can’t make her adopt it for herself. We don’t want to become the critical person ourselves.

Accept your responsibility. You can live in joy and peace despite the person in your life who tries to drain it all out of you. It’s hard to shake off critical words, hard to have to think about the unpleasant exchanges in your life with people who will always be in your life. But we’re back to our beginning – it’s our responsibility to ourselves to decide how we’ll be treated. There are too many pleasant and encouraging people in this world to interact with to allow our time and energy to be hijacked by those who aren’t. It’s up to us to make that choice.

*Make it a goal* Something we all want to do is avoid the "energy drain" that facing the people who are critical and hurtful causes us. We can't be our best when we're distracted and exhausted from dealing with mean and cruel behavior. And a step we can take today is to perhaps make it a goal to "dislodge depressing thoughts from our minds." That sounds vague, but you can make it specific to your situation. Setting a wanted and needed change as a goal makes it a little easier to grasp and reach. For more on goals, see Chapter 3 of "The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life".